5 things the Transformers movie could have gone without.
Needless Item #5: Jolt
So, you remember Jolt, right?
Little purple car? Autobot? Had crazy electro-whips? Yeah. Was totally the one that slapped on Jetfire’s pieces to Optimus. Now you remember. The guy had a speaking line, too! Unfortunately, this barely 1 mintue role could have been done by in other of the Autobots. Hell, I’m sure that Rachet could have done it. Jolt is the greatest example of the fact that Transformers is all about toy sales. We need another car that’s not a redeco? Let’s make… this guy! He’s got whips and everything!
Needless Item #4: Sam’s Roommate.
Yes, yes. I know that he needed to be in there to lead them to Agent whatisname, but think about it really. He’s not comedic relief. That’s a position that’s filled more by Skids and Mudflap. And even they don’t do a good job of it. He seems to have been meant to be a POV character… which is really unnecessary. It’s the second outing of the Transformers; we don’t need a POV character went the whole “Holy Shit, my car just turned into a robot from space!” thing is well established. Don’t get me wrong; he was funny. He just needed to have left the group after they got the Agent.
Needless Item #3: Sam’s IRL Hand Injury
Ever wonder why Sam had a hand cast on and off during the movie? That’s because, in real life, Shia LeBouf (how shall, here after on this site be referred to as “The Beefaroni”) injured his hand. Stupidly enough, they tried to “write it in to the movie” (read: From time to time Sam has a hand cast in the middle of the desert for not reason) Of course, most would just think that he hurt his hand earlier in the movie, because (to be honest) not that many people are paying that much attention to the Beefaroni; most came to see giant robots fight each other and Megan Fox’s tits.
Needless Item #2: Hardcore Murder-rific Autobot Marines.
Okay. The first fight in the movie: Autobots waging a battle to destroy the evil forces of the Deceptions. Standard, opening lyrical fare. However, the Deceptions in Shanghai aren’t doing anything but sitting around, minding their own business. What was Demolisher doing? Hanging out in a construction yard. If I remember correctly, Sideways was just chilling out on the street someplace. Just two Decepti-dudes, chill-out, maxin’ relaxin’ all cool, transform into vehicles outside of the school. Then a shit-ton of soldiers and the Autobots come and kill the living daylights out of them. How many pieces is Sideways in? Optimus even shots Demolisher execution style. Now, according to their toy bios (which are their real personalities, as far as continuity goes.), Demolisher is just a big guy who protects his buddies and is waiting for the boss to tell him his got a job again. To actually quote his bio:
Demolishor isn’t very bright, but he knows when to fight, and when to run and hide. Arriving on Earth to find Megatron destroyed, hiding seemed like the best option. Since then, he’s taken a few smaller Decepticons under his protection, and built quite a little community. It hasn’t been easy hiding among the humans that creep like a disease over this planet, but he and his companions are content until a new Decepticon leader emerges to guide them back to glory.
Not all that nice to humans, but hey. It would be like if there was a planet of nothing by mice and you had to deal with them riding you to work every day. Then there’s poor Sideways. This guy didn’t even want to fight. To quote his bio:
Back on Cybertron, Sideways was a simple courier who avoided combat at all costs. He tried to always remain in the shadow of lager Decepticons, where the Autobots might not notice him. On Earth, he’s keeping much the same practice. He teamed up with Demolishor early on, and hopes that if the Autobots find them, the big Constructicon can keep him safe.
The poor guy didn’t ever want to fight. All and all, this fight made the Autobots out to be like the worst representation of a Western Armed Force going into another country (without permission) and blowing shit up and killing innocents on a whim. Nice going, Bay.
Needless Item #1: Sam and Mikaela’s Bullshit Bogus Adventure
So, while putting the film into serious thought, there lies a problem that is completely unavoidible when one thinks about it.
Mikaela (vis a vi, Sam) had a Shard of the All-Spark from the beginning of the movie to when they revived Jetfire, right?
You know what that means, right?
THEY COULD HAVE FUCKING REVIVED OPTIMUS PRIME MUCH EARLIER AND WOULD HAVE SAVED A LOT OF TIME!
Now, don’t pull a “But, Mr. Kyoji! It had to be the Matrix of Leadership!” bullshit on me. The Matrix was just a key to turn on the Magical Galactus Machine. Also, if a peice could bring Megatron back to life, then it could certanly do it for Optimus Prime.