G.O.N.G. is now official, for I have come to make it so. Witness the arrival of Zasalamel my fellow geeks, otaku, nerds, and gamers. I have come to bestow upon this fledgling e-zine its stamp of certified geekdom: the all powerful and mercilessly controversial “Top X” list.
Hey, you knew it was coming eventually. A geek-taku site just isn’t a geek-taku site without at least one of these things. I’m proud to bring G.O.N.G its first and hope more soon follow, so, without much more dallying, let’s get to the list:
Top 25 Video Game Vixens
Only a few “Top X” lists could be more difficult to formulate and more often discussed, chief of those being “Greatest Game Ever” and “Best Final Fantasy Ever.” I’ll leave those arguments for another day, perhaps in a list the whole G.O.N.G. family contributes to. Here, however, is my personal list of the sexiest pixilated/polygonal beauties to grace our TVs and monitors. If you disagree, fine – comment. If you agree, great – comment. Want to suggest a few changes? That’s what comments are for!
Lastly, my criteria for this list are rather simple: sex appeal, influence/legacy, recognition. The first is rather obvious (you won’t fine any bosses from God of War on here), but that doesn’t mean I’m so shallow that beauty is just skin deep – I’m not. The third point is also quiet self-explanatory. The second takes into account how important that character is to her franchise and gaming in general; this is honestly more of a tie breaker of sorts.
Now, the list:
25. Ashe – Final Fantasy XII
The crown princess/queen of Dalmasca, this hottie (un)dresses the part. Seriously, Dalmasca is in the middle of a damn desert, so if I were her, I’d wear two strips of leather and call it a skirt too.
24. Dominatrix – Streets of Rage
You never saw this one coming. It’s ok; you can go dust off your Genesis for this one and feel no shame. These bad girls like it rough – whether from guys, girls, professional wrestlers, cyborg perverts, or roller skating adolescences. For the record, their sprites were edited in the US; their Japanese counterparts show lots more skin…
23. Blaze – Streets of Rage
Unfortunately, this one doesn’t. No matter – if you play with a friend, you can spend hours groping her. Just don’t underestimate her abilities in the sack. She happens to be the strongest grappler in the game – she knows Judo.
22. Eva – Metal Gear Solid
This was a tough one for me. In the end, this [spoiler: Patriot and mother of the Snake Twins] happens to be just sexier than Boss. She’s a bit more important than Big Boss’s mentor and she happens to carry her scars well – as in, not all over her chest (which in Boss’s case is rather hot, but I digress). Of course, that bike of hers is, by far, the coolest vibrator…
21. Sylvia Christal – No More Heroes
The whole game is about doing this chick. ‘Nuff said.
20. Setsuka – Soul Calibur
She’s white, but she’s a samurai. She’ll kill you with her umbrella. Rhianna is black and can’t sing. She got bitchslapped by Chris Brown under her umbrella. I think we know who wins this contest.
19. Shadow – Eternal Champions
Another surprise I’m sure. She’s a ninja assassin that lurks in the shadows, duh. Scantily clad in black leather, she’s no stranger to bondage – probably the only way her employers could have succeeded in throwing her out of that window. Regardless, sexy women and ninjas go together like cookies and cream.
18. Sheva – Resident Evil 5
Co-star of the latest installment in the survival-horror/actioner, Sheva is proof that RE5 is NOT racist. She’s AFRICAN, and she shows no signs of regrets about popping rabid AFRICANS infected with Las Plagus in the head. She also happens to look damn good while doing that. Oh, did I mention she slits throats?
17. Ivy Valentine – Soul Calibur
Most would place her higher on a list like this; I find her ever increasing bust size to be a bit of a turn off. If she could decide on what size cup she likes, then everything else about her would be in place for her take a top 5 spot. Until then, it’s fine that she’s got awesome boobs, legs, an attitude, a demon arm – she’s kick-ass!
16. Kitana – Mortal Kombat
The only Mortal Kombat lovely on this list, Kitana makes it here because she happens to be a warrior princess. She’s also the most broken character in the series – ever. Well, at least, she was.
15. Fortune – Metal Gear Solid
Lady Luck starts the serious countdown from 15 at number 15. She has a great body – and a big fucking gun. I fell for this hottie the moment I saw her take out a flock of sea gulls by just standing there, looking so hot for a bullet to the head that would never come. Her epic death wins me over too.
14. Shiva – Final Fantasy
While she makes appearances in other Final Fantasy titles, this summon spirit is at her best in her Aeon incarnation from FFX. I’ll admit, I summoned her far more often than any other Aeon, and she pwnd hard every time. For a chick that’s so cold, why she gotta be so hot?
13. Morrigan – Darkstalkers
The only Darkstalker to make the list, this succubus wins over Felicia for one reason, I always think of her when I think of Darkstalkers. Ultimately, the two are interchangeable for me, so consider Felicia an honorable mention.
12. Cammy – Street Fighter
She’s not quite as important as Chun-Li (who is on the list, by the way), but she is damn sexy all by herself. Those legs work all kinds of wonders on men the world over. Indeed, she proves Brits can have some junk in the trunk and kick ass too.
11. Meryl Silverbergh – Metal Gear Solid
She was just barely legal when she first met Solid Snake (who was about 33 at the time by the way). Nine years later, she’s all grown up, and saving the world. That’s not to say she wasn’t “grown up” back at Shadow Moses, of course. Johnny noticed. He may not have been conscious long enough to see her strip and put on his uniform, but he did remember getting knocked-the-fuck-out cause he spends the next nine years desperately trying get in her fatigues. Now he can, every night.
Snake probably couldn’t handle her now anyway.
10. Rayne – Bloodrayne
Top 10 opens with Uwe Boll’s best crapperpiece. The games were meh, the movies sucked, but Rayne has always been the hottest dhampir ever.
9. Fran – Final Fantasy XII
Yes, I have unusual tastes, but don’t sit there and lie to yourself. Fran is gorgeous, and not in a furry kind of way. She is a legitimate dame, a classy lady, a certified mistress of the Myst, and a cute kitten, er… bunny, among dogs. How does she manage it? She’s at least a century old, but she doesn’t look a day over 50. Why Balthier has yet to hit that boggles my mind.
8. Taki – Soul Calibur
Sexy women and ninjas go together like cookies and cream. Personally, I think she could lose the armor (a breast plate that fails to protect the breasts, really…), but overall, she’s the sexiest Soul Calibur has to offer – sorry Sophitia.
7. Rachel – Ninja Gaiden
Sexy women and ninjas go together like – What? She’s not a ninja? Then why the yell is she in a game about ninjas? She has a giant axe? And rather large breasts, you say? Well, ok then.
6. Kasumi – Dead or Alive
Technically, I should list this spot for the “DoA girls”, but Kasumi is the most recognizable of the lot so she gets to shine by herself. Remember, set your age to 99…
5). Mai Shiranui – Fatal Fury / King of Fighters
Originally, she was actually lower on my list, but upon conversing with my roommate and some dedicated thought, I decided that her legacy is more important than her lack of exposure due to SNK’s financial troubles. Without Mai, there would be no DoA girls, remember that. She ushered in gravity defying boobs, and for this, I name her 5th sexiest gaming babe. Also, sexy women and ninjas go together like cookies and cream…
4. Nariko – Heavenly Sword
The end of Heavenly Sword saddened me. I fell in love with this poor girl sort to speak; I didn’t want to let her go. If I could bare her terrible burden I would have. Then I would have given it right back because she’s much better with that damned sword than me. And her ass is much more pleasant to stare at.
3. Chun-Li – Street Fighter
Her movie may suck, but she doesn’t. Or does she…? Anyway, she kicks butt and seems fine with showing off her own. It’s like she enjoys fan service. You know what I’m talking about…
2. Lara Croft – Tomb Raider
She’s video gaming’s equivalent to Barbie. Both were horribly disproportional until just recently, when both under went re-imaginings that resulted in more realistic, but still highly stylized and uncommon bodies. Regardless, Miss Croft has defined what it means to be sexy in games for over 10 years now, and she still has pep in her step. All that’s left for her to do is actually include a nude code. Sex sells.
1. Samus Aran – Metroid
My pick for the sexiest babe in all of video games is the opposite of Miss Lara Croft. Samus is not a sex symbol. She has never been sexualized in any marketing. Even in her own games, where it has been customary for her to appear out of her suit, she has been well covered up (those bathing suites are quite modest despite the skin), in fact, she has been putting more on underneath that Varia Suit lately. As far as her looks, she is certainly a dime piece for sure. But unlike most of the other girls on the list, who happen to be hot for the sake of being hot, Samus is beautiful cause she has to be – rather, her great body is necessary for what she must do to complete her missions and operate her suit. She’s a practical, believable beauty (Lara Croft is actually becoming the same, but again I digress) that’s business first – and business means the barrel of that arm cannon.
So there you have it. Gawk over it. Flame over it. Just, for heaven’s sake, don’t fap to it.